Explanation Needed

I started writing and, as often happens with me, I just couldn't stop. i've been writing now for three hours. Needless to say, there's a lot on my mind. So because I know not everyone has all day I'm putting up the end first... I realized after I wrote it that it pretty much sums it all up anyway. The long version gives more insight into the reasons behind why I am the way I am lately but you get what I'm saying from both.

Short Version:

People have started to notice that I’m not happy lately. I’ve tried explaining why, but everybody just tries to tell me how they would fix it, what makes them happy. The thing is- it’s not you that’s unhappy. So what works for you, won’t necessarily work for me. I’m not happy right now. Me. I’m not happy being alone. That’s me. That is not something that I want to change. I mean, I want to change the fact that I’m unhappy, yes. But I don’t want to learn how to be happy being alone. And that is not something I think I need to achieve before being happy with someone. But that does not mean that I’m not happy with who I am. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t know myself or love myself. In fact, I see it as being the exact opposite. I know myself very well. I love and respect myself. I am proud of who I am. I know that I can be by myself and do just fine… I’ve been alone for a year now and I’m okay with that. When I meet someone and enjoy their company, when I develop feelings for someone, why should I push that away and say, no, I like to but I need to be alone right now when I don't need to be? I understand that other people might need more time on their own. They want that. But that’s not me, that’s them. Some people are completely happy being alone and if they find someone they’re compatible with-great! If not, that’s great too! But that’s not me. I want love. I want real, true, romantic love. Who are you to tell me that I shouldn’t want that? Why can’t I look for love and be independent at the same time? If I love myself, shouldn’t that be all the more reason to want to share myself with someone else? I’m not looking for someone else’s approval. I’m not saying that I’m not a good enough person on my own. I don’t need another ‘half’ to make me ‘whole’… no! I am a complete person all on my own. I just want to feel love for someone who is deserving of my love and who feels it for me in return. Why is that so hard for others to understand and accept? I’m happy with myself, but I won’t be happy in life until I have love in my life.

Right now is the hardest time I’ve ever been through so far in life. I haven’t had as easy of a life as some may think. I’m far less a princess than I appear. I can assure you that there are things that have happened in my life that nobody would want to go through and not everyone has been through. But I am who I am because of those things, so I won’t complain. But I AM ready for some happiness. I’m tired of the bad things. I’m tired of rejection and I’m tired of being hurt. I know everyone gets hurt sometimes, but this is getting a little ridiculous. The heart can only take so much pain and I’m pretty sure I’m at my breaking point. But I’m not going to stop trying. I’m not going to put my heart on a shelf somewhere because I’m afraid of having it break again. I’m resilient. I’m strong. I can handle it. The thing is, I don’t want to have to handle it alone anymore. I know I sound like a toddler having a tantrum in the toy store, but I just want something to go my way! I’m tired of having people tell me I’m wrong for being upset about having my heart hurt. I’m tired of people saying that I look miserable.... do you think pointing that out is going to change it? You ever think that maybe I look miserable because I am miserable? I’m not one of those people who can fake it. I can’t feign happiness. Trust me, lately, I sincerely wish I could put on a happy face! I’ve tried so hard. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ve tried like hell. I just don’t have it in me to smile when I am hurting so much that my entire being aches.
My goal in life is love. And I have found it. But I can’t have it. It’s like God or whatever there is, if there is such a thing, is saying, ‘here… look… this is everything you’ve ever wanted Kaitlyn. Doesn’t that feel absolutely amazing?! Well too damn bad, because that’s exactly what you can’t have!!!’ (insert evil laugh here) That’s what I’m trying to accept right now. That is why I look like I’m miserable- Because I am. I love someone with all my heart who is hurting so bad right now that he doesn’t think he has a heart to love me with. I have never felt this much for someone in all my life. He cares about me and wants to be with me, but won’t be with me till his heart is his again because he doesn’t think it’s fair to me. You try knowing that and smiling anyway. For me, it’s impossible. I’ve been trying to smile for the past two months and I just can’t. I haven’t slept through the night since the beginning of December. I haven’t fallen asleep without tears in my eyes in over a month. I haven’t been able to drive to work without tearing up thus far in ’09. So when I get to work, suffice it to say, I’m not happy and it’s out of my control. Because it’s emotional people think I should be able to control it, but that is something I can’t do. A pill isn’t going to fix it, although I’m willing to try. A vacation won’t do the trick, but I might go anyway. If you break your arm, you can have it set in a cast and it gets better. If you could do that for my heart, I’d pay you all the money I possess. I’d rob a bank for it if I had to. I’d rather have someone slice the bottom of my feet and then force me to run the Boston Marathon. I’d do anything to stop this feeling.
He asked me just to put 'us' on hold so he can get himself together and then we’ll see if we still want this… so I’m holding and I’m hurting. I know I'll want it, I'm terrified that he won't.



Long Version:

I've been putting off doing a first blog of the new year because I wanted to start off on a positive note. I wanted to wait till I had something really good to write about so I wasn't continuing where I left off in December on my other blog. Unfortunately, there is very little positive in me lately... it kind of comes in waves and let's just say that the current isn't very strong today.

This week has been so hard. My anxiety is through the roof and there doesn't seem to be any relief in sight. The big problem is still my heart and extreme amounts of loneliness. Everything else seems to be getting really poorly affected by that and the huge amount of pain that's coming with it. I tried pushing through, going out, distracting myself, ignoring it, meeting new people, pretending it was all okay. Before that has worked. This is different. I can't push through. I can't lie to myself. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am the world's worst liar. It is so obvious when I'm not telling the truth so why I thought I could lie to myself I honestly do not know, but I was hoping I could. I was wrong.

What the hell am I talking about? yeah, I'm getting there....This requires some background. I have had my fair share of guys coming in and out of my life over the past decade or so. Each one has brought with them their own set of issues, qualities, lessons to be learned. And each one, I truly believe, has been there for a reason and left for an equally as important reason. Last February when I broke up with D-man (finally) I realized with the encouragement of my closest friends and mums that I needed some me time. I needed a break from relationships. I needed to figure out what I wanted in my life and what I did not want. I had to get back to the basics of me, remembering who I was all on my own. Over the years I had become dependent, without even realizing it, on the idea of always having someone there. I had forgotten what it felt like to make a decision because it was what I wanted without having to run it by someone else. I lost some of my independence in each relationship I've had over the years, including just friendships. I'd always drop what I was doing because someone else wanted to do something, never considering if it was really what I wanted to do and never thinking that they should wait for me to be finished and ready.

Since February all that has changed, I have changed. I have changed in so many ways and yet I am exactly the same in so many ways as well. First take a look at the changes… I have my independence. I know myself in a way that I don't believe many people know themselves. I do things because it's what I want to do without running it by anyone. I can be with someone without becoming someone I'm not. I make decisions for myself and by myself... I take advice when I need it and when I think it's good advice, but I'm nobody's puppet. I stand up for myself and for what I think is right. I don’t like everyone I meet and I’m not scared to reject someone because they don’t measure up. I’m no longer willing to settle for anything less than amazing. The most important way that I've grown and changed though is in how I see myself~ I love myself. I am proud of the person I've become. I have never really felt those things for myself before... love and pride were always things I had for others, but I never felt them towards myself. Honestly, and this is slightly (ok very) difficult for me to admit out loud (or in writing), I never knew that I deserved them before. It took me 24 years to figure out that I should love myself and take pride in who I am. And over the past year I have finally figured out who that person is and developed into a person that anyone would be proud of. I also realized last spring that I deserve to be happy. And not someone else’s happy either… I realized that I needed to figure out what my own version of happiness looked like and not try to adopt someone else’s. I used to try to find happiness by making someone else's happiness my own. I would see what other people wanted in their lives and try to get those things for myself. For example, in college people were all about going out, getting shitfaced and high, and that was fun for them. That seemed to make a lot of people very happy most of the time. So I did it too... always kind of knowing it wasn't doing it for me but trying to fit in anyway. I figured if it can make thousands of kids my age happy, it should make me happy too. It never did, but I kept trying anyway because I thought it was the way I was "supposed" to be. I was wrong. Don't be mistaken, I had some fun times in college. But to stay honest I must admit, the majority of the time, drinking makes me sad, weed makes me stupid (and I find that completely unattractive), and cigarettes make me ugly. I did all those things though and I did them regularly because it's what everyone else wanted so I adopted those wants. And don’t get me wrong, every now and then I enjoy going out and getting ridiculously inebriated, but that’s not where my happiness lies and it never was. But that was just an example… point is- I needed to find out for myself what makes me happy and what will bring me lasting happiness in life.
After a lot of reflection, a lot of deep talks with others and myself, and a lot of me time I have realized that there is no one thing that brings lasting happiness. There isn’t some magic concoction that will put a perma-smile on your face and make all the negative things in life all of a sudden not matter or not affect you. The way I see it, it’s about making yourself into a person you can take pride in, whatever that means to you specifically. That’s the way I see it, doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong. Doesn’t mean it applies to everyone, but it applies to my life. It’s all according to your own individual checklist and the priorities on the checklist are even more important than the items. And everyone’s way of prioritizing the things in their lives is different based on who we each are… For some the order is health, job, money, family, friends, spouse, kids. For others the order is the exact opposite. For some there are completely different things on the list. For certain people the list changes in content and order on a day to day basis. The point is, to each their own. I’ve always had the same things on my life list. And they’ve always been prioritized in the same way. As I grow up I’m seeing a lot of things fall into place and some things aren’t quite there yet. My list remains the same.

My Top Five:
1. Love of Family (husband & kids)
2. Love of Friends (few close ones are more important than many distant)
3. Health
4. Enjoyable career (not just a job that makes me money, but something that I love doing)
5. Ability to travel in good company

These are the most important things in my life. Each one I view as a goal… something that is attainable and measurable, albeit quite subjective. There is no quantifiable method one can use to measure ‘goodness’ or ‘enjoyability’. I don’t even think enjoyability is a word, so how can you measure something that doesn’t exist? Notice the things that you really can measure (money, houses, cars, material possessions, etc…) are not even on the list for me. For someone else those are the list, for me not at all. That doesn’t mean my list or my values are better or worse, just different. That might be the thing that’s the hardest to swallow, not for me, but for other people in my life.
That list represents what I feel has to be in my life for me to achieve complete happiness. (Yes, I know there will always be unhappy times and some type of negativity that comes in phases. But you learn to live with those things. I don’t believe you can be completely happy ALL of the time, but I do believe you can have underlying happiness even when the going gets tough. I don't have any underlying happiness and that's what I want. And yes, what makes you happy changes and grows with you… so that list could change down the road.) Anyway, that represents my happiness right now and yet I only have two-fifths of that list checked off. That list is natural to me and I won’t change it just because some things aren’t being checked off as quickly as I want them to be checked. But I’m not going to pretend to be happy either. Sometimes I am happy regardless of that number one goal being far from checked off and sometimes I’m not. Right now is one of those not so happy times.

This is where I talk about what’s really bothering me… why other people have a hard time swallowing my list equating to my happiness.
Example: Bob grows up wanting to be a doctor. Bob goes through school, internship, residency, etc. Bob becomes the best damn doctor he can be. Along the way everyone sees that Bob is having some hard times and isn’t always happy, but being a doctor is a noble profession and a goal that those in Bob’s life can understand so they support him, even in the hard times when Bob is less than pleasant to be around. Bob focuses his entire life on this goal and is constantly being revered and reinforced for his diligence and dedication. Bob wants to give up at some points along the way because it is so difficult and at times he is unsure if it is worth it, but the people in his life remind him that this is his life’s goal and they support him in whatever decisions he makes because they love him and respect him. Bob can see the progress he’s making because there are certain markers along the way that show him he’s getting there. Bob’s goal is quantifiably measurable and therefore Bob is being reassured along the way that his goal will be reached. Bob gains strength and hope from reaching these markers and seeing his progress in achieving his main goal in life.

This example is something that many people can understand and respect. This example is somewhat typical and can be generalized for many people, many jobs, many goals, and many circumstances.

In my life, the story goes a little differently. Take a look at that top five list again… my number one is love of family. That has always been my number one. When I was little people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up (like they ask all children) and my answer was always ‘a mommy’. As I have grown and matured, that answer has remained the same, slightly tweaked, but the same at heart… I want love. I want a family. This has a lot to do with how I was raised. Family was always the focus for my parents. My brother and I were their lives, their jobs were secondary, friends were secondary, money… well, money was nonexistent most of the time hahaha.. but yes, money was secondary also.

The point is, just because my goal is different doesn’t mean I deserve less support from the people in my life. If anything, I need more because it’s different. I need the same things Bob needed, but I’m not getting them. There is nothing in life that can say, ‘good job Kaitlyn, you got 100% on the exam for that… you passed that internship… only 4 more years of hard work, diligence and dedication, before you get your PhD in love’. There is nothing to graduate from, no markers that show me I’m on the right track to achieving this goal, no natural reinforcers that give me strength and hope. I accept that as a part of life. But this is why I need that from those around me so much more. People didn’t tell Bob to take a break from his internship… focus on himself more. But people tell me to stop thinking about my future all the time! Nobody said, Bob, you need to know what it’s like to be a janitor before you can be a good doctor. Get the rest of your life in order Bob and then go and being a doctor will just come to you. Stop focusing so much on your residency Bob, and then you’ll be happy. Yeah, I don’t think so. You know what Bob would say to that? Bob would say a big resounding, screw you!

Now I’m not saying screw you to anyone. But I’m suggesting that you take a few steps back… try to see things from my perspective. My goals are different from yours, does that make them less respectable? Is being a mother and wife less honorable and noble than being a doctor or lawyer or whatever you want to be in life? Do I deserve less support and love when I’m going through rough times because my rough times involve my heart and not my brain?