a plethera of nifty.

it seems i'm in the midst of yet another one of those awesome transitional times that come up every now and then through life. (note the extreme sarcasm in the word "awesome" in that sentence) i had a very difficult time with all of the change last week. actually, 'very' is an understatement. i had a panic attack in the middle of my grad class, lucky me that the prof knows me very very well!
the problem was that i was trying to deny the change... hoping that if i pretended it wasn't there, it would go away. but guess what folks- change just keeps on changing. life wins every game you play with it. the grand scheme is so much bigger than the insignificance of what we get wrapped up with in our day to day. so you realize your issues, deal with your shit, and accept the changes even if you don't agree with them. that's life. either get on board or you're pretty screwed. personally, not a fan of getting screwed so i'm gettin on board.
in my last post on this thing i was miserable beyond words. i had been trying to pretend to be happy, but really that just pisses me off more because i'm not being honest. and i'm the most honest (sometimes too much!) person you'll ever meet. anyway, i was miserable. i took a week off to reassess my life. to step back and look at it and go holy shit, that's fucked up! i'm done with putting other people before myself. i'm tired of being tired of dealing with the same ole same ole. and i'm sick of waiting around. i realized that what i really needed was some closure. so in my week of misery i figured out a way to regain control in my life... guess what it was... come on, guess bitch!! ok i'll tell you. honesty. i needed to be up front and say this is what i got, if you can appreciate that then awesome, if not then oh well. and although it was scary as fuck to completely open myself up like that and bare my freagin soul just to get rejected AGAIN! it was rejuvinating. it was empowering. it was calming. i got my closure. i found out the truth. and fianlly know that no matter what, being true is more important than anyone, any things.

here's the dilly, yo...
1- so the first thing that's changed- my outlook. obviously a pretty significant component of the whole 'me' thing. yeah, the 'summer of kaitlyn' turned into a year of kaitlyn. definitely had its ups and downs so far. definitely wouldn't change a freagin thing. well, i could do with less downs, but then i wouldn't have realized how kick ass the ups were :) so i'll keep 'em.
in other words, i'm still single. it's officially been a year now. that's right, valentine's day. the fakest of all the holidays, i turned it into break up day. it'll catch on =P
really though, carla said i should take the summer to focus on me. figure myself out. i thought i was figured out. yeah, so i took a year and i'm still a work in progress. but really, i think you should be a work in progress your whole life. if you don't have anything left to figure out, what's the point? i like finding out new things about myself. i like making realizations. i enjoy having my mind boggled. i guess i might like ::gulp:: change. maybe i'm not as autistic as i thought.
point is- it's been a full decade since i've been single for this long. that's a reeeeally long time to be used to a certain thing... in this case it was coupledom. but i'm glad (finally) that i've done this. i'm glad i didn't settle- i deserve so much more than anything i've gotten so far. happiness is worth the wait :) ... i hope!

2- a more immediate change- work. i used to love the place i work at. now, not to say i don't still love it. but it's in the process of a complete overhaul and it's a very difficult thing to deal with. it's a school full of autistic students... obviously, people rub off on each other. well, a lot of the time it seems like their autism rubbed off on the staff. we have a hard time with change and now there's someone who's come in and declared that what seems like everything we do/think/write/say/.... needs tweaking. that's a lot of freagin tweaking. there are very few people in the school that have been there longer than a year who are just gliding along enjoying themselves right now. partly because you never know who's gunna be next to get the axe, but partly because it's just a lot to absorb in a very short period of time. those who can accept it, will. those who can't, will leave. i've learned to expect the unexpected. and maybe if i open up my mind to these new ways i'll learn a better way. that is fine by me. easier to accept change than to fight it. more productive, more efficient, more sensible.
also, i changed to a very VERY different classroom than what i've been in before. i have older students, much bigger students, much more severe students. and i love it! this is my niche. they are who i was meant to work with. about once a week (ok that's a lie, once a day) i get impatient and i get tired and i get frustrated. but how i know it's right is that i can look past the frustration and see my reason for doing it staring me in the face with (almost) every one of them. i can honestly say, this is one of the most difficult classrooms in the school. many people wouldn't be able to handle it. but i do, WE do. we have amazing encouragement and support from the team (for the most part) and amazing reactions and support from the parents (for the most part). we make our mistakes, we have our issues, we have our tough times, but the fearless leader and flash and lightening do it up well. damn well. i'm happy with my team and in my classroom again. that is cool.

3- family shmamily... it's a little painful to talk about my family stuff right now. so i'm not going to. this is one of the more difficult 'changes' that i've been forced to deal with lately. one that i'm not quite dealing with yet actually. but i'm at least recognizing that there's some things there to deal with so that's a step in the right direction i suppose.

4- i have 1 class (that i'm in the midst of) and student teaching left before i'm certified. why does that scare me? more responsibility. higher expectations for better performance. maybe. i kind of just fell into teaching. and teaching kids with autism to add a little spice to it. now i'm taking the next step and becoming certified and getting my master's for it. not like it's a finalizing thing, but it's a big thing to me. i think i'm a little scared that i won't make it. i know i will, i know it in my head. but in my nerves, i don't know it at all. get me? i'm very nervous. i look around at some of the teachers that i work with who are certified & have their masters and (MOSTLY) i think i'm not on their level. but then i look at others who are certified and have their masters and i think, fuck i could do it sooooooooooooo much better! so maybe i should focus on the not so hot teachers instead of the kick ass ones. then at least i'd feel better about myself and my own abilities, right? hah!

5- 'my head hurts, my feet stink, and i don't love jesus'- yeah. buffett just came on my itunes. not really a change at all, but i'm just sayin... lol

6- so here's a change- my best friend since high school, my old roommate, one of my sistah's is getting married. i didn't really think of it affecting me all that profoundly, but i think it is doing just that. today was her bridal shower. it was a tad bit weird, not gunna lie. my jackson owns a house with a guy. not rents an apartment. not lives with. but owns a house with him. as i like to point out as often as possible especially when i'm in said house, it's a real house. not a fake one. not pretend. and my jackson is now going to marry him. when did this happen?! when did we become grown ups?! when did my jackson become someone elses?! luckily, i like him enough to approve it ;-) but still... she's not 'my' jackson anymore. not really. i could go on more about this, but i'm in a good mood and would like to stay that way so i'm moving on...

7- my best friend from college, also my old roommate, another one of my sistah's is getting married. she owns a condo with a guy. they have cats together. i'm in her wedding too. she's my skanky ho bitch... and now she's getting married... i love bob and have known him as long as i've known her so it's ok- i'll let it slide. but still, not 'my' kaite anymore, definitely officially 'his'. this one's not as big of a deal in it's affect on me as #6, but still- things, they are a-changin

8- my best friend from work, my true to the heart sistah, my parallel life is moving in with a guy. this guy is literally dropping his world for her. it's slightly obnoxious how adorable they are, but in the greatest way possible. i adore him purely because he makes her so happy... i've never seen her like that. it's pretty impressive. he gets bonus points for the huge amount of change he's making in his life in order to be with her. (but he won't gain total approval until he gets on the plane and i get to interrogate him... drunkenly and with as much embarassment as is possible, of course) ;-) this one is hugely affecting me and i DEFINITELY didn't think it would. i almost moved in with her a few months ago. i was still waiting for her to get a house before deciding where my next move would be to because i wanted it to be with her. i know that sounds gay, but shut it. now she's going to live with him (within a few months i'm sure) and what was going to happen prolly never will. it's just weird. i already feel like she's not my shanananan anymore because things have changed unspokenly between us recently. when he gets here that's really gunna rip the 'my' off 'my shananan'...

8.5- all the nicknames that i have for people are losing their 'my'. they're not mine anymore, their everybody else's. i'm not all broken up about the fact that i'm not anybody's as much as i'm broken up about the fact that i have no more 'my's left. does that make any sense? i don't need to be anybody's 'my', but i enjoy being able to say that they're 'my' ------. it doesn't sound right anymore. and that is a big change to me. it's heart boggling- not nearly as enjoyable as mind boggling.
--sidenote-- i got a card in the mail the other day from my dom *my last 'my'* and it was perfect. i'm a card person. i love seeing what people think in words that you can feel. i like getting cards that let me know they didn't just pick up the first thing they saw, but that they looked for something that means something. that the words on the card actually apply and they wanted to make sure i know their thoughts. that makes me smile, inside and out. (yup, more gay. yup, more shut it) she is my other half. doesn't hurt that she's blood, she'll always be my 'my'...

moral of the story.... "it's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes. nothing remains quite the same. with all of our running and all of our cunning. if we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane."

Buffett knows what's up.